The first time I ever set eyes on an actual crazy Jesus church was when I was a Senior in High School. I fell deep into a complete God phase when my friend Big told me that at one point in our lives, everyone would somehow vanish into thin air, while the rest of the people who are on earth rot in hell. The only way to actually avoid the “rapture” was to pray to God in complete fear and go to church. I joined a local youth group called YFC (Youth for Christ) out of fear of living on a vacant world full of demons who will torture my asshole with brimstone.

The thought of carrying a student bible around school not necessarily reading it, but instead, pulling it out of my bag when I’m alone. I guess at the time, having something to read and not care about sitting alone made me feel cool. Too bad none of the ladies thought that. Slowly, as the months passed by, I would have wrist bands that would say little acronyms that that deal with Catholicism. Cute little phrases, like P.U.S.H (Pray until something Happens) or W.W.J.D. But unfortunately, the only kind of attention I got from wearing the bracelets were from smart asses who believed in the all mighty Penis at the time.

“PUSH?! Does that make you a pusher? Can i buy drugs off of you”

The kind of insults that dip shits would say only because they couldn’t think of anything else off the top of their heads.

“What would Jesus do!? Tell me, What would Jesus Do?!”

I Would always respond more wittier by insulting their mothers. Through the years, I noticed that Bullies always had a soft spot for a lack of feminine power in their lives, an absence of a mother they never had. So, being the absolute dick that I am. I couldn’t help but attack their soft spots.

Me: What would Jesus Do? Obviously not your mother. I dont blame Him.

That simple remark would shut them up for the remainder of the day. Easy.

Well, as kid full of God power, I decided to open myself up to more God-like people. I became a teachers Aid to the librarian, already knowing that the librarian wouldn’t need a teachers aid. They’re not even teachers. So in other words, I became well rested during this class period. Most of the time I would vandalize the books in the library.

When I became completely bored of sleeping, I would crudely draw or doodle in the books. But my favorite was to hint or lead people to different pages and really give them a surprise ending.Go to page 32, go to page 64, go to page 90. When the poor victim reached page 90, there would be a crudely drawn penis with a scribbled in “You’re gay”. Classic.

The librarian was a middle aged single mother who was really cool, so i thought. She was Mexican who seemed to know it all and took notice to my new found faith. She was some kind of Protestant, or Christian. She told me more about God and the more she told me, the more i became intrigued of her church. She invited me to her church and holy shit, I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into.

Coming from a Catholic family, when someone would say mass, I would already imagine the congregation sitting, standing, praying in unison. So when the librarian asked me to attend one of her masses and she’d give me a ride. I jumped to the notion and blindly accepted. Her church was in Fremont, a regular church in the middle of no where. Already, I had a feeling that you can only feel in your soul that something was already off putting. The main doors lead into an extremely long hallway, the kind of hallway in which when you walk down twenty feet, turn around and you look like you’ve walked an eternity.For some odd reason, I knew I was going into the most uncomfortable place ever. Wide eyed and unwary, I noticed at the end of the hallway were double doors. Dark. Eerie. Almost as if I was in a chapter in the Goosebumps novels. I never personally cussed at church, I always drew respect at church. With that said, I remember saying in my head. FUCKING HOLY JESUS, WHERE ARE YOU?!  I braced myself for the nuttiest experience.

The librarian stood next to me, “I’m gonna go ahead and pray inside the chapel, you can wait outside until mass starts, mass starts in 10 minutes. Just feel free to look around”. She opened one of the double doors. Complete Darkness. Howls, moans, and crying poured into the hallway. Within an instance, the door closes in front of me and I stand completely frozen, alone in the hallway. My mind and heart were finely in tuned that very moment, My body was telling me to get the fuck out of there.Run, run and never look back. But at the time, my laziness would rather I deal with whatever creature or creatures were lurking beyond those brown double doors. The rooms hallway was decorated with pictures of Jesus, doves, and crucifixes. The thought of pursuing rapture was considered heaven at this point for me.

“Why the hell haven’t I seen anybody go into the door besides my librarian!? Am I going to die tonight?!”

I decide to pray. It was honestly one of the few moments in life where I prayed so hard I almost fainted out of fear. The only other time I felt like trembling while praying was when I got my first tattoo. I opened the doors and walked in, my rosary in one hand, my student bible in the other. My thought mentality was, if its hell, bring it.

The moans and howls were coming from different parts of the room. My eyes adjusted quickly, expecting a monster to leer at me. Groups were huddled in corners of the room, the members hunched over as if eating pieces of bread off of the ground. Some standing, most kneeling. I knelt down on a chair and I remember praying for protection from any wicked ghouls around me. As soon as my prayer was over, I opened my eyes and the lights were on. The chairs become pews, the hall was lit, the crying become silent.

There were regular people here. Regular. Or at least I thought they were regular. I sat next to my librarian, second pew from the front, on the left. The room was much like a regular church, there’s a stand, an overhead for music, and one person in charge of music.

Not to be an asshole, but I couldn’t help but look at the front of the room. There sat a man who was i couldn’t take my eyes off of. I could feel my lungs increase and decrease as i stared at him. My heart rate rapidly increased, my eyes were opened as if I just saw a robbery in progress.

I see people clapping, I see the songs being transitioned to the next, but as soon as I see this guy in the front. EVERYTHING BECOMES QUIET.

“…I can see his flesh”

His skin looked like it was turned inside out. I tried to figure him out.

Did he get burned? Did the church turn him inside out?

I’m in a fluster, you can’t blame me, if you saw a somebody with the majority of their eyeballs showing, wouldn’t you stare at them!?

I had no idea what the pastor was talking about, something about suffering, and penance. But when the music started, and the pastor untied his tie and turned tomato red. That’s when I found out that in church, some churches at least, shit can stir up the community.

Some people started crying their hearts out, middle aged men would jog in place, but most middle aged men would do laps around the pew but would have the most painful faces on. The krypt keeper decided to jog as well. I was surprised there wasn’t blood splattering all over the place. A complete and udder mad house. That’s the ticket, that’s exactly what I knew at that point. The pastor would say a little tiny bit of information and would start screaming, the congregation would join as if their backs were on fire.

And where am I in all this madness, you wonder? I’m standing and pretending to do the same thing everyone else is saying or doing. When in Rome, chuckle chuckle. 

As soon as I became comfortable with the whole insane asylum, the pastor introduced speaking in “tongues”. Right when i thought the whole night couldn’t get any worse, the shit that hit the fan, hit multiple fans. A kid next to me knew i was puzzled to the whole fact that you have your own secret language with God. To me, I always thought God understood English. Guess not. The kid showed me his bible and managed to point out where exactly in the bible that God talks about tongues. you can tell by looking at the book that this certain passage was highlighted over and over again…by his dad, no doubtingly he was hit afterwards for no apparent reason.

Pastor: DO WE HAVE ANY NEW FAMILY IN THE BUILDING?! DO WE?! WHERE ARE YA!?

And of course, everyone in that room knew each other, except for me. What happens next? I’m put in the front of the stage. I look into the crowd and I realize, I’m the only filipino in the group. Everyone else was either Caucasian or turned inside out. The pastor starts screaming out in his “tongues”. (And I’m not exaggerating this next part)I remember this distinctly

Pastor: Allooooooo allloooooo la la la la what you’re name child!? aloooo feel Him! Feel Him! 

Me: Richard

Pastor: RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICHARD! Thank youuuuuuu JEsus! Our family has gotten bigger! AWWWOOOO Hallelujah! Hallelujah! HALLLLEEEEEEEE!!!!

At this point, I’m scared shitless and the group has become louder and more threatening. At the climax of the loud yelling and screaming and jogging. I felt his hand on my head. I’m not used to anybody touching me, especially my face (Although I don’t mind the good ol’ tug n’ rub every now and then), So what the hell do I do? Take it. He’s pushing my head down as if he could force me on my knees.

Pastor:Everyone, please Richard Needs our help, put your hand on him and pray with him.

Ever get raped before? That’s what I felt like.By the time I could think about what’s going down, my body is frozen by people’s hands. I can feel…everyone..At the same time, this asshole preacher is pushing me down. But i’m not giving into yet. Oh no, not at all. I’m closing my eyes tight and I just realized, the crypt keepers hand is somewhere on my body. I hope I don’t get AIDS or some shit.

Pastor: Alllooooo allooooo la al la la la Richard! Scream Hallelujah!

ME: …helelu..halel..

Pastor: SCREAM IT CHILD! SCREAM!!!!

Me: HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH!

Pastor: Now talk in tongues child! you’ve got it

I don’t know how to speak in tongues. I’m going to pull shit straight out of my ass. I’m going to go ahead and make noises and try to be serious about it, then I’d be able to fit into the crowd. Maybe I would survive the night.

Me: Lamena lamena Hallelloooooooojah halllelooooojah camala camala halleelllooooooojah

Pastor & Group: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YAH!

In the midst of the yelling and shouting, I hear whispers from some guys next to me. Literally, whispering in my ear. The very first gay moment I’m ever going to endure is in a crazy church.

Man:You did it Richard, you did it. You are now one with God.

I opened my eyes and the guy gave me a hug. The whole group hugged me, one at a time. Even the guy with no flesh decided it was ok to hug me. I can feel his arms tangled around me, his skinless muscles pulsating around me. I was scared to hold tight because I might end up causing him more pain then anything.

I remember each member asking me if I was going to attend the next “Gathering”. I responded with a nod. See, a nod doesn’t really count as a yes or a know, just an acknowledgement. I never showed up to the most feared spot in Fremont.

But for some reason, that very same crypt keeper is haunting me in my nightmares. I haven’t contacted the librarian ever since, but I remember her telling me that I shouldn’t stay near very evil people like the other librarian because the holy ghost is living in me. GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!

I wouldn’t consider this near death, nor dramatic, but I would consider this an endearing moment in life. Thanks for showing me real fear, God.

My teeth are grinding. Is the pass tense of “grinding”, “grounded”? No its “was grinding”. Fucking stupid..

My first alcoholic experience was when I was a numb skull junior attending Milpitas High School at the tender age of 16. At this time of my life, I’m trying to find out who I am in life. Was I going to be a cool kid (I read Marvel comic books and all signs point to no) or was i going to be a loser virgin (Nope, obviously. Since I’m a 10 out of 10 in the dude-o-meter). None of the above, I became the guy who is reading into church but as soon as a slightly pretty girl passes by, my alpha male comes out either doing push ups and if that didn’t work, demean the closest boy.

Trust me, that always gets tail.

My asshole friend Pascua was having a house party that night, i showed up to the party expecting it to be like the “movies”. Everyone making out in front of everyone. But we were teenagers, we didn’t know shit about life. The girls on one side slowly drinking their sea breezes, the asshole kids in the other corner sharing stories about the best sex that they never had, comparing dick hairs. I always thought they were useless, the kind of assholes that you knew were going to be stuck in high school way passed high school reunion. I found Pascua eating a cold cut of beef cooked earlier. 

Asshole1: You know the meat is hella good if you see red. Red is the best.

Asshole2: [snickering toward the first asshole]Not as good at your moms tits.buahaha

Pascua finished his beef goop stood up and said outloud already half drunk, “Hey…faggot…its fucking 8 o’clock. Th’The fuck took you so long.” He stumbled and grabbed to everyones shoulder while walking up to me, then points to everyone in the room in his waiving motion. “All these girls in this room love to fuck!” My face is already purple since dark filippino people can’t blush, we turn purple, while Pascua is laughing his ass off. He finally opened his eyes, grabbed another friend, Burr, and made us walk him to his room and in an instant, you can hear everyone is the preious room yell simultaneously, “3-way gay gangbang”. There were older strangers, Pascua’s family members, and the young high schoolers. As if they all practiced that before hand.

Turning around i spoke with such confidence, “Shut up guys, It’s not funny!” I’m an idiot for saying that, it seemed to fuel the heckling. Burr and I stood over Pascua like we were his parents, but giggling parents at that time.

After stumbling into his dirty bed full of laundry and dirty clothing  and it was more of a mattress or sheet on the floor. You can tell people stepped on his poor excuse for a sheet because you can look at all the muddy foot prints. HAHAHA. Why would somoene take their shoes off  in the house, then put them back on and wear it on the poor guys bed?! HAHAHA. After that, he looked at us completely dazed, “You guys wanna try some of the good shit?! Open up that cabinet Burr! Open that shit up bitch!”.

Burr: i aint your bitch bro! I aint nobody’s bitch! Th’ fuck man!

Pascua: ok man, ok. just open the cabinet.

Burr open the cabinet, quietly as if black widow spiders would jump out and rape his face with venom. Burr, astonished,”Oh, shit!” It was a white bottle that looked almost exquisite. It had Brown trees in a tropical setting. ::Carribean Rum::

Pascua: Taste it faggots!

Not really knowing how I would drink it, I looked at Burr and took a big gulp..As soon as it went down my throat (eh eh?) My eyes engulfed and i gagged.

Rule 2 (when drinking hard liquor)

1. You will be called a pussy at one point in your life, but taking a chaser following the alcohol really makes you feel good that you have liquor in your tummy, and you didn’t give that “i put a small piece of shit on my nose” face.

Rule 1. Take the shot bitch

I took the shot. More excited if anything, i decided that taking shots in front of others would make me look cooler! NO IT WONT! You would feel a little bit like a champ for about a second, then you’ll start mumbling. Mumbling then turns to stumbling, then finally black outs. Was this really how i was going out?! I woke up from time to time. From what i recall, at one point, i open my eyes and some of the girls are excited after my friend Shay pulls out a bag of weed from her pocket. I open my eyes again. An older korean guy was giving me a cup of water, then says in a cool guy voice, “You know my little brother Kevin, i’m Key, here’s some water. It’s going to be your best friend the rest of the night” I mumbled, “Thanks, please dont rape me…” Woke up again, i guess an hour passed.

Pascua: WAKE THE FUCK UP CHARD! SOMEONE PUNCHED MY COUSIN IN THE FACE!

Me:Oh Shit!

I was so pumped, i got up and fell down again after a single step. giggle. I ran into the living room and of course there’s that one girl that goes to every party who hires herself as the queen of the castle. She screams, “EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT! IF YOU DONT WANT TO SHUT UP! THEN GET THE FUCK OUT!”

Me:…stop yelling..police are gonna come.

I must be a Damn magician since the next thing we all see is blue and red flashing lights. I was drunk so i did what any drunk kid would do. Run into the closest room and find a blanket and hide. Why would i ever do that shit!? Think about it!? Who does that?! But i did anyway, I found a blanket, closed my eyes so tight i fell asleep. On occasion i would feel people running into my blanket since others were high as kite.

It was 5am. I woke up. Quiet. My shoulder was aching, Some girl fell asleep on my shoulder. She was cute, but not cute enough to let her sleep on my shoulder for a couple more hours. I pushed her off like a piece of football pads. Before leaving the room, i did give her the “finger guns” Childish. No, what’s more childish is i even said, “pew pew pew” to follow up the finger guns. Oh yah, i’m the man.

Pascua was sitting on the piano chair. Nobody but Pascua was in the main room. I guess everyone left. The remainding people were in the kitchen playing, “would you” or “10 fingers”. When a kid would ask me if i wanted to play the stupid game, i’d respond diligently, but with a hint of anticipation, “i’ll give you 10 fingers…in your ass!” Then as soon as the unsuspected victim leaves the room, I would give them the finger, followed up with “take that bitch..”. I’m a real class act, tell your friends.

Pascua told me that his cousin got punched in the face, the cops came and told everyone to leave. The house must’ve appeared like it was infested with rats. I asked him why he didn’t wake me. He stated that i did, but i threw up in the toilet.

“I DID WHAT?!”

Yup, most nights always end up like that. Ending the night with a question. But in all honesty, then funniest moment was right before i drove drunk going home from east side san jose to milpitas. Pascua giving me one statement right before i leave the house.

“Fuck Man, I didn’t even get any pussy tonight”

The drugs are wearing off. Until next time, Cheers.

August 31, 2010.

It was an oblong, half orange, half transparent oblong capsule. Before I try new drugs, I prefer to put the drugs on my countertop in my room, let it lay and linger so when everytime i get home from a whole new shit filled day. I can always tell myself that I have something waiting for me, a chance to kill myself, slowly.

The whole thought process of it all seems extremely immature to most people. I can hear everyone now;

Richard, you’re better than this…

God wants you to love yourself enough to not do stupid things like this…

Bro, What would Jesus do?!..

I’ve ran this in my head countless times and what I came up with was that when it comes down to it, there is only one thing in this world that can change the outcome of your whole life. YOU. 

Ya see, you can tell me what YOU think, when i say no, you become enraged,so you’ll push you’re damn opinion on me until i completely bend over, turn my head around and spread my butthole open anticipating submission to your will. Unlike most people, i like to really push peoples buttons, really give em the shaft when its completely unnecessary. So for kicks n’ giggles, I will ride your emotions. All the way until it hurts.

I took Adderall that day, 30 milligram extended release. My friend gave it to me. Just to try it out of course. First thought: Is this going to make my urine orange?

Later in the day, i decided to test out this fantastic experience. To my dismay, i thought it would give me heightened senses as if i could see people in airplanes or hear animals who dig in the dirt to eat shit. Useless.

Maybe if i read, i’d be able to read 300 pages by 5 o’clock…BuLLSHIT.

I guess it just doesn’t work for fat guys. I drove to a bookstore and i tried my hand at reading marvel comics just to see if i’d trip out. Next thing i know, the dark avengers are fighting all of Valhala (Thor’s floating homeland) and right when Bob rips Ares’ (God of war, team Dark Avenger) spine right out of his neck. WHAT THE FUCK! Adderall made comics fucking AMAZING. Go try it. I dare you. 

Later on in the day i met up with my girlfriend & decided to hangout at her place, it struck me, I all of a sudden felt this huge pull down. Ever feel like the devil is pulling you down to hell. Or better yet, tickling you by the testicles and pulling each hair strand down once. So, naturally, my emotions went into a whirlpool of depression and negativity. Some thoughts went by my head..

You’ve been working for 4 years, and lived paycheck to paycheck. You have nothing to show for your life but a badge that says Kaiser Pharmacy..

You’re so ritual

Fuck are you doing?!

…

We drove up to her house, I parked in the street next to her car. Biting down on my tongue).”I’m just going to find some parking, i’ll be right in”. I park. The sun was setting and almost as if God himself was giving me a metaphor of a lifetime. The sun was gone by the time i knew it. And so was my sanity. I cried like a bitch. You know the type of crying where you can already feel the tears run away from your eyes and you create odd noises like someone is gutting a gorrilla. But what’s funny is those awful noises that you make, make perfect sense to you, but to people who are watching me in the neighborhood…I look like im stuck in “cumface” right at the point of maximum tip toe orgasm. Thats my face at the time. Got the picture? Well, i’ve never had that happen to me before. I did what i could do grasp reality so i did anything to recollect myself. 

I spoke to a friend. From what i remember, she was under extreme amounts of stress and she confided in herself and maybe her sister. “She’s in the same predicament as me, I hope she can tell me what to do”. So being a complete wreck. The first thing i texted her was. “Got a minute? please..” She responded 10 minutes later and responded, “yah, whatsup?” we went back and forth. I felt i texted a book, but she could only respond like a confused girl would;

it’ll be okay..

you’re stronger than this..

did you know what happened to me?! (How did this conversation get turned around?! I thought this was my time to express MY bullshit, not yours! But at this point, i was happy she was listening.)

My girlfriend came to the rescue. She hugged me. She had no idea what was going on or what kind of bullshit i was going through. She held on, tight. I honestly felt better.

**Sidenote. One time, We took a nap together, and me being a huge retard, i ended up having sleep paralysis right next to her. She did the same thing she did to me that night, she just hugged me, tight. Dug her head onto my side, and nestled in.

she asked me what was wrong..my mind blew a complete blank and im pretty sure i had a look, the kind of look in tv series, when a person can see the future, they often times gives this stupid look into the background..but nonetheless, i responded.

I’m tired…

(IS THAT IT RICHARD?! IS THAT ALL YOU CAN THINK OF?! IS THAT ALL YOU’RE CRYING ABOUT!?)

I’m tired…

If there is anyone in the world who honestly can say that they know how to properly use that term, then you are completely ruined. Life has become too much and it has become my breaking point.

Congratulations Mr. Devil, you’ve got my heart in a grinder…

i’ll finish this story in a couple of days..i’m not high anymore.

Just like the picture shows, this blog will be much like that very dog. In life, there is something that’s always seems to fuck up in little millisecond moments when you are the in the eye of the tornado called happiest. Don’t get me wrong, i’m a nice guy at heart, but I naturally have an “asshole” mentality. So This blog is actually just a way for me to get away from the daily stress and crap i dug myself in. If you are offended, THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BLOG, cause this is a real man’s blog so suck it till you choke…That dog, his name is Drew aka Mr. Chicken Wing Ding, he’s my first example of a little fuck up that brings happiness to me. So put on your snow goggles, wear 2 belts, put on 3 condoms, and try your best to not orgasm until the end of most of my posts. <3 Chard